Well the moment of truth is upon me, I'm going to meet my MOTHER-IN-LAW today...HELP!!!! I've packed my body armor, laid in a supply of blood in advance, and notified the funeral director (just on the chance), is there anything I've forgotten? From the moment we began we knew that the time would draw near, Now is the time to face man's greatest fear.
Will she find me amusing? I want to flee in a flash!! Will she like me or will her mere gaze turn me to ash?
I try to bring bring joy, I'm a friendly old mutt. But At this moment I fear she's gonna stomp a mud hole in my butt!!
I've been a soldier who've lived beyond war.. And yet I get the premonition of tragedy and gore.
Well the car has started(damnit), the motor sprang to life in a surge, Wish me well for if not I leave you with my dirge...
Donations can be made to the "Save a Dragon Foundation" care of the Harper Hall...please speak to Sebell or Menolly.
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical! > > > > > > > > We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone >can >top this one: > Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how >legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm >lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, >because >the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had >sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next >day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage >on >the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to >my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new >acquisition was no problem. > > > > Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I >heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage >disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button >is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it >yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and >sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only >take >you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my >silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her >behavior as extremely cowardly. > Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink >to >find the button. It is the last action I remember performing > It struck without warning, and without any respect to my >circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its >gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating >dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs She had been poised >around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the >precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I >unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all >rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a >violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my >masculine region. > Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" >syndrome. >Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from >experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and >cabinet >bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. > When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there >are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the >kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" >paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the >paramedics >were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while >trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. > Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it >back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of >me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk >about,which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your >tongue?" > If they only knew! > > > > > Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
